Feeling the Rain and Getting Real...Again

You'll notice this post is in two parts. One very pleasant (first section) and one rather dark (second section). I know its weird but its just where it took me.

I love this saying. I'm not sure who originally said it but the phrase is in a Bob Dylan song (whom I love, so much that I named my girl dog after him. Literally, her name is Bob Dylan, no lie.) 

I had a particularly challenging week last week. There was lots of laughing because I didn't know how else to respond to some awful situations. It was pretty crazy. But during those moments of horrified laughter, I did find relief in the fact that I am trying to really live my life. I am making the best of poopy disasters (that was one of the many horrifying experiences) and not letting it get me down. Though I am not always first to respond in such a way, its always relieving when I do. Poop being tracked through my apartment won't get me down :) 


Now on a darker note, here is where my emotional vomit comes. I have been struggling lately (quite a drastic tone, huh?). I never realized the impact of Mother Guilt. I don't know if other Mothers fee this, I am sure they have. Being blessed with such a healthy, vibrant, smart, boy is the best gift I have ever had (except for finding Chad, I don't deserve him) but some days, I can't see past my blind frustration.

Chad is gone doing laundry tonight because I couldn't do it this week, I just haven't felt my best the past two weeks, both emotionally and physically. I am ashamed of this next bit, please be understanding. Because I have just been down, I have been short and snappy with Geddy and Bobbie. I am ashamed to admit that more than once I have hollered at Geddy while he yelled at me from his highchair or got into something that he shouldn't have. Then moments later I have held him close with tears streaming down my face as I apologize over and over again. I should never raise my voice at him or my dog but its been happening a lot lately. Are 10 months old forgiving? I pray so.

I try and control myself (I do everything from praying to counting to 10 to singing) but I just get pushed to my limit and can't control my tone. It's never been anything physical EVER but I never want my son to hear me shout at him. I was fortunate to grow up in a home where voices were never raised, where did I learn this terrible habit? How do I shake it? I feel like such a crappy Mom right now. I know that so many other Mothers have it worse than I do, why can't I chill? Am I the only Mother who is struggling with this? I can't express how much I love my son and can't tolerate this reaction any longer, this isn't who I am.

Please tell me what has worked for you. And have you ever had this problem? I am the problem and I am determined to fix myself but need a little guidance. Please shed some light, I know my readers must have had something like this. At least, I hope I am not alone here.

I think I just need to sit back and feel the rain.

Happy Thursday!



Tim "n" Tracy McMillan (TNT McMillan) said...

Oh my gosh, this has totally been a huge struggle with me lately...like the past month, ok maybe two. I am usually a patient person, but I can't seem to shake it either. For me, the only thing I can think of is that with my husband gone longer than I would prefer, and not having the chance to get out of the house as often, I just let my stress get the best of me and take my frustration out on my kids by yelling at them. I know this is not the way to handle things, but I have no wise words for you, because I don't know how to not snap in the heat of the moment. But yes, 10 months old are forgiving. And so is my 4 and 2 year old. I think they (children) can be some of our best examples in life, we just have to remember that they are children and that we are the ones responsible to teach them, so if they are acting out, maybe they need some teaching. So keep doing what you are doing...take a step back (easier said than done) and when you feel like you are getting flustered/ frustrated/ or just emotional, have a mommy time out and then address the situation when you are calmed down. There have been times I have just left my kids to watch tv or do their own thing, while I go to my room for 10 or 15 min and have a mommy time out or cry or say a prayer just to help me through the rest of the day. Don't worry you are not alone. And trying times with kids will last their whole life I'm afraid (at least they have for the first 5 years of mommyhood for me), but that is why we have our spouse and a loving Heavenly Father to lean on.
-Sorry for the novel!

Katy said...

Hey hill, I stumbled upon your blog the other day. I hope you don't think I'm some crazy blog stalker, but I actually do know you from a ways back. I worked with Christy way back when. Anyways, I think all moms have this problem at some time. It is how we teach our kids to say sorry. And for me, it helps to get out of the house by myself. I dump my kids with the hubby and go shopping or driving or sit in the sun in an abandoned park. I also find it helpful to find someone to help. Or write a note to a friend. Service can help put things in perspective. Then have some real fun with your kid. Have a silly tickle party, sing some Elmo songs, finger paint and take fun pictures. Leave the laundry and other stuff for later. It will always be there. And then remember how brave you are by trying to be better tomorrow. Good luck!

Gena said...

Going through this right now. I have the two boys with another one on the way and i'm getting frustratingly buried in life. The only thing that helps me? Just FEEL it, get it out. Stop telling yourself HOW to feel and just FEEL what you're feeling. Take it to your husband, your friend, your Heavenly Father. If your are yelling at your son because he gets on your last nerve, if you feel like a horrible mother, if you can't make it through your days, let it out. Once you admit you're feelings in their entirely it's lifts so much off your shoulders. Never hurts to go in prayer and ask for some strength and understanding.

hope that helps!

Haley said...

Oh girl, I think every mother feels this way. I seem to go in waves where I'm really controlled and patient, and then I'll have a phase where I feel snappy all the time. Prayer helps and I'm sure you already to lots of that. I also always sneak into my girls' rooms after they're asleep at night. Watching them sleep like little angels helps to renew my emotional bucket.

You are an awesome mom! Ty always tells me, "The fact that you care SO much, shows that you are a good mom."

Chad de Lisle said...

Hil, Your greatest weakness as a mother is how blind you are to your incredible strengths. I never worry about Geddy, or doubt that he will become a wonderful man because of your tireless efforts. All of the little things, the way you read to him multiple times a day so his little brain will develop-- or sing to him and recite the ABC's so he'll let you change his diaper-- or catch the food he spits at you in the bowl so you know he's still getting his vegetables-- they affirm your selfless devotion again and again. And if no one else sees them, know that I did. He may not remember how you covered him with a blanket while you nursed, or how you made sure his socks matched, or how you fretted over the sore patches on his cheeks, but I will. You are the most nurturing woman I've ever known, but you're also your own greatest enemy. Quit picking on Geddy's mama please, I'll have to get cross with you :)