Accept It

In my adult life, I have struggled with anxiety. Come to find out that my sisters have had a bit of it too. It's not like the normal "worry from time to time" it's like the obsessive distraction, sometimes crippling,  overwhelming feeling of worry. The ones where you can't think about social situations or you wanna run for the hills. Honestly, it's been hard. I often find myself thinking "why am I like this!? SHUP UP BRAIN!"

My anxiety comes in waves throughout my life. I will go a time where I am just dandy and the anxiety isn't a focus but then other times, the tough times, it can come full swing. One of the worst times was when I was in my second trimester with Geddy, holy cow, it was insane. My hormones really jacked me up during that time. The last month or so, I have began to really struggle with anxiety again. I contemplate whether to go to a doctor or just keep praying. And praying I do. I know not everyone are prayers but it's really helpful to me, it's a release and a spiritual activity that provides a great deal of comfort (I am into that spiritual stuff). 

But today. Today I woke up worry free. I woke up bright and ready to meet the day. I even felt great about the fact that it's our longest day where we only see Chad for small snippets. And it's funny, when I am in a real bout of anxiety, I feel almost unnatural when I have a good day. Like, I almost stop myself and think "I am not worrying, therefore I feel out of place". However, today, as I read my scriptures, I realized that I need to relish these days. I need to ACCEPT the fact that I am not worrying and how dang good it feels. So today is a good day. And I hope that the days to come will be the same. I have faith that they will. 

Don't worry now. I am okay. I am still able to get out of bed and do my Mama duties and I feel like I am so lucky. Geddy lights up my life. And I know that my anxiety is a cross that I was meant to bear. It's something that makes me grow and I am getting better at dealing with it. 

On another note, I turned to Chad last night and said "the older I get, the more and more I like myself". I felt like that was a profound statement and I was thrilled about it. I have always liked myself but I really am enjoying the person I am becoming. I've been through some crap (we all have) but it's molded me into being the person I want and can become. 

So, I hope that everyone else is having an awesome worry free day too. Like my Mom used to say when she would wake me up in high school (and I wanted to throw a pillow at her) "It's a good day to be alive!"

Happy Tuesday!


P.S. Thank you Chad, for being everything that I need and more. You're a superhero. 


Chad de Lisle said...

love you boo.

Gena said...

Just thought i'd let you know that i read your blog alot. :) I too, struggle with this, especially since Kalei was born. It's such a frustrating illness. When your rational brain says one thing and your anxiety ridden brain claims another! Thank you for your thoughts and that wonderful quote. Good luck, and thanks for reminding me to enjoy the good days!

Haley said...

I saw you pin that quote a few days ago and it really struck me. There is beauty in reality - the good and the bad. And so often, when we are brave enough to right the truth, there are people who have desperately needed to hear what we have to say. Love you and amen to everything you said in this post! Staying very close to God is the way to find peace even amidst trials.