I debated writing about this today. For a couple of reasons, really. Yesterday, I got some disappointing and fairly alarming news at my OBGYN appt.
And I didn't handle it well. Like, at all.
I had mentioned before that when we found out the baby was a girl at 20 weeks, they mentioned that my placenta was close to my C-Section scar. The Ultra Sound Tech didn't seem terribly concerned and felt confident that it would pull itself away on it's own but explained that they would do another quick ultrasound at 28 weeks pregnant.
I thought very little about it, still keeping it in my prayers but assumed that it would take care of itself because THIS pregnancy/delivery was going to be the one that went completely normal (my first delivery/recovery didn't go at all as planned). Because I have life all figured out, you see.
Well, yesterday was that said appointment. The one where they check the placenta and the scar. What they found wasn't totally a relief.
The placenta is still awfully close and now the cord is also on the scar as well. Forgive my terrible medical lingo, I don't completely understand it myself but the doctors are concerned.
So, bless my Doctor's heart. I really love all the doctor's at my OBGYN office, they are truly fabulous. And I have worked with this particular Doctor before and have really enjoyed my interactions with him but I don't think he was prepared to have to talk to me about this on that day so his delivery was...not his best? And I get it, we all have off days/conversations. And this was one of his "off" days.
The fear is that I have what is called "Placenta Accreta" where the Placenta has grown into or attached itself to my Uterus and more specifically my C-Section Scar.
GREGORY STRIKES AGAIN!
For those who haven't been reading my blog for long, I had a C-Section with Geddy and the incision had such issues and didn't heal for 6 MONTHS. Months my friends. It was such a nuisance that I of course needed to name it, hence the name Gregory. And low and behold, it has caused more issues. I believe that my end with be from this dang scar. Haha.
So, from what I understand (and again, I don't have a complete understanding of all this medical stuff, so if it sounds butchered, it is) there are different degrees of severity. The worst thing that could happen (and what destroyed me mentally) is that the placenta can be so attached that it cannot be removed without taking out my Uterus. Because if they left it in there I would bleed and bleed and bleed and die (I know, I make it sound dramatic but that's what happens if you never stop bleeding internally).
Now, again, my Doctor is wonderful but the way delivered this possibility was not great and I was by myself and not at ALL expecting anything like this and so I was completely shattered.
I clarified by saying:
"So, no more babies?"
and he confirmed with:
Not knowing how to respond I laughed nervously and tried to let it all sink in. But then he followed up by explaining that the chances of me losing my Uterus were low and that he wasn't worried about it so I shouldn't be. BUT he also explained that I need to see a specialist about it so they can figure out exactly what is going on with it. And I am not gonna lie, he seemed pretty serious about it. He pretended it wasn't a big deal but I think that was to try and help me out of the shock.
I will be first to confess that I didn't handle this news well. Basically, what I heard at this appointment was:
"You're never gonna have anymore kids, oh and we are going to cut out your womanly bits too". That wasn't what he said but that is how a blindsided, pregnant, woman takes it.
Then, my sweet Doctor said "Do you have any questions for me?".
I was so floored by this that I couldn't really think straight so I said:
"No, I don't think so..."
I could tell he felt bad and he tried his best but dangit, he freaked me out. Big time. So he left the room and I just laid there. The sweet technician asked if I was going to be ok and I started balling.
I became completely unglued and she was SO sweet and kind and made me promise to not go home and Google the condition because it would just freak me out more. And I agreed, that wouldn't be a great idea.
I tried to compose myself because I had to still get my blood pressure checked (which was understandably higher), schedule the appointment with the Specialist, and get a form signed for my insurance.
Now, I am the kind of cryer who gets embarrassed and that make me cry more. So I cried off and on for the next 20 minutes at the office in front of people who WEREN'T aware of the situation and thought I was just crazy. I had people ask me if I was ok and that would just embarrass me and make me cry more. Even the kind lady in the elevator who asked if I was okay almost made me mad because I was tired of people noticing. Plus I am pregnant and so hormonal which made the weeping continue. But these people aren't to blame they were just being kind.
You guys, I felt like such a freak. All I could think was "I need to call Chad, I want to call Chad, I don't want to talk to anyone else but my spouse!"
I forgot to schedule my next appointment because I was so frazzled but I couldn't go back inside. I figured I would just call them later. I got in the car and was balling while I called Chad. He answered and I could barely get a sentence out I was so worked up.
I explained to him everything that the Doctor told me and tried to wrap my head around all of it but I was destroyed. Chad was calm and thinking rationally and talked me down. He was concerned but understood that this wasn't a diagnosis it was just something they needed to look into further. I was still so afraid.
My Mom was watching Geddy so I went over to pick him up and she, being the most gentle woman on the planet, looked me in the eyes (everyone on the planet could tell I had been crying) and asked "How are you doing?"
She is so cute. So I cried to her and my Dad, snot and tears everywhere. They were so wonderfully comforting though. They carry such wisdom and an incredible soothing spirit. Geddy kept asking if I was happy and was rather confused with his Mama profusely crying. They were so supportive and offered prayers and that they would notify my family so that we could have everyone pray for us.
They could tell I was still a little bit of a mess (I looked like I was stung by a million bees because my face was so red and swollen from crying) and they offered to keep Geddy a little longer so I could go and get things done (mainly just calm down, haha).
So the rest of the day had some real highs and lows.
The Lowest: Balling while eating a Big Mac in my car and listening to sad songs. Yes, that happened.
The Highest: Getting a blessing from Chad. It brought a lot of peace and great comfort.
I cried off and on the entire rest of the day. By the end, my face was permanently hot and my lips stung.
Where am I now?
This morning, Chad stayed home with me so I wouldn't be CONSUMED by worry about our Specialist appointment tomorrow (on Friday, he will be coming with me this time). Being by myself with my worrisome thoughts can be pretty destructive. I am a professional worrier after all. So he let me sleep in (which does miracles for me) and we took it easy and went on walks and just took the day slow. It was really good.
And I feel a lot of peace. I really feel good about everything.
If worst came to worst and I had to have my Uterus removed, I would be okay. I could survive and would still be happy in life. It would be a huge change in plans but I could do it. And I could adopt kids or just a bunch of dogs (which would be awesome).
Maybe I will have to have a C-section instead of delivering vaginally? That too would be okay. My goal is to have this baby girl be healthy and to keep my Uterus so that I can carry more of my own children. If that comes with another dreaded scar, so be it. I would happily take it.
So currently, we don't know where we stand. Tomorrow we are meeting with the specialist (I have NO idea what he is actually called because they told me during my appt yesterday but I was in a hysteria and couldn't see straight) and we will have another Ultrasound (more extensive than a normal one) and have a long consultation with the Special Doctor. So, I really don't know what is going to happen at all. It's completely up in the air for me (which may be the hardest part).
And why did I freak out so bad? I would really like to have more kids. I planned to. And there is something about not having that capability that would be really hard.
Also, I felt overwhelming failure. I remember thinking over and over again "why can't my body have babies better? Like my friends and sisters and Mom (my mom had EIGHT CHILDREN for Pete's sake!)". What a destructive way of thinking. I am disappointed that I allowed those negative thoughts in my mind.
There is also something that hurt my pride a bit. My first baby almost died and my second baby made it so I couldn't have anymore children and my c-section scar, damn that Gregory (sorry for the swears but it's how I felt) was causing even more problems. I completely acknowledge how horrid and inappropriate those thoughts were but they were very real. I felt guilt. And lame that I can't do it right. I can't do it normal. I have had 2 pregnancies and both have had "super rare" things happen during them. It also scares me to have more pregnancies because who knows what other "rare condition" I'll develop or cause my children to have.
I know, I know, super lame and dramatic. And it's wrong that I allowed myself to jump to the worst. But I did. And I was so upset. And I am admitting it because this blog is where I document the real life stuff. I want to know what dark place I may have been before and compare it to where I am now. This space is about the truth of life, good and bad.
But now I am doing good. I haven't cried once today! Can you believe it? I feel really good about it. And I am ready to hear what the Specialist has to say tomorrow. Because God has a plan for me and my family. And I know that some of you readers may not think that same way and that's okay. But for me, I do. I feel it. I don't have control over everything. But my life has a path and I know that it will all work out and I will still feel happiness.
Can I also say that I was so shocked by the news and the alarming possibilites that I forgot to ask about how the baby was doing?! They didn't say the baby was in any danger but they really didn't talk about how the baby was doing at all and I forgot to ask! I know that her heart beat sounds really good and strong (the tech said so at the beginning of the appt) and that she is still a girl (hurray!) but I assumed that no news was good news. Going back, I would have asked straight away but that's how blown away I was. Man, Mom fail, right there.
|Almost 29 weeks pregnant.|
So there you have it. True, honest, word vomit of emotions. I am sorry this post isn't my most eloquent but it was real.
And tomorrow is the big day. We hope to have some real answers and a plan of what will happen for the delivery and the future. Prayers and Positive vibes are totally welcomed if you have any to spare. I will be sure to keep this blog updated on the matter as soon as I know and have time to write it :)
But it's all going to be okay, no matter what happens. I know it.