I've been going through some personal changes. Positive changes, for sure, but they have been hard. So I don't come off as cryptic, I am just going to tell you what's been going on. I had developed some bad habits with food and spending money. Just not being careful or wise about spending and becoming way too emotionally attached with food. It's embarrassing, really, admitting those things. But I think that recognizing the problem is a step towards improvement.
And because I have made some changes, I have felt all over the place emotionally. I am a creature of habit and so change doesn't come to me as "fun and exciting". Change usually makes me anxious and insecure which are some things I have been struggling with the past little bit.
Through this process of change (which is ongoing!), I have realized how those bad habits had clouded my sense of self. I have always been confident in who I am and what I want but since making these changes I have had to stop and think about what is fulfilling to me. I no longer have food to fill voids or take my mind off of stressful things. Now I am left to deal with those emotions and stresses head on.
I have also been left trying to make myself feel fulfilled and happy rather than a candy bar doing the job for me. Isn't that dumb? How food brought me a false sense of happiness? And where I love being a Mom (I am so glad I get to be home with my kids, it's what I want) I have found myself feeling a bit unfulfilled. Like, I not only want to be an awesome Mom but I want to do something more. Like a hobby or passion. That's part of the reason why I started blogging again. I need something else to feel accomplished. Being a Mom is amazing and wonderful but I am wanting something to add to that, I suppose.
|This quote seems fitting.|
Does any of this make sense? Or do I sound like a crazy person?
I think at times, a Mother can lose herself in doing everything for everyone else and nothing for herself. And this has been something I have really struggled with since becoming a Mother four years ago. And I don't say this as a back-door brag, I am saying that I have allowed myself to suffer while trying to do everything for my family. It's a really hard balance to create and maintain. Setting time aside for yourself is so important but far too often I shirk that and put other's needs before my own. And in doing so, I am hindering my ability to raise my kids the best way possible.
And can we discuss the how toxic comparison and caring about what other people think can be? It's awful and SO pointless. I usually don't have that problem but again, since these changes, I feel so insecure of who I am. It's so silly! I continue to tell myself, "STOP IT, YOU WEIRDO". Hahaha. I've never had this issue before but I feel so emotional and silly!
This post all sounds so dramatic and I don't intend it to be. I've just been going through some stuff like a pre-teen in Jr. High. Oye.
Get it together, de Lisle!
Any who, I hope this journey of change will bring back the confident, secure, Hilary (and healthier and richer!). Because this weird phase is so annoying.
P.S. Could this be some Postpartum Depression? Anyone with experience, let me know!