Soul Searching and Making Changes

This post is one that came to mind moments ago, while dropping Geddy off at Preschool. It's for sure a "Let's Get Real" post.

I've been going through some personal changes. Positive changes, for sure, but they have been hard. So I don't come off as cryptic, I am just going to tell you what's been going on. I had developed some bad habits with food and spending money. Just not being careful or wise about spending and becoming way too emotionally attached with food. It's embarrassing, really, admitting those things. But I think that recognizing the problem is a step towards improvement.

And because I have made some changes, I have felt all over the place emotionally. I am a creature of habit and so change doesn't come to me as "fun and exciting". Change usually makes me anxious and insecure which are some things I have been struggling with the past little bit.

Through this process of change (which is ongoing!), I have realized how those bad habits had clouded my sense of self. I have always been confident in who I am and what I want but since making these changes I have had to stop and think about what is fulfilling to me. I no longer have food to fill voids or take my mind off of stressful things. Now I am left to deal with those emotions and stresses head on.

I have also been left trying to make myself feel fulfilled and happy rather than a candy bar doing the job for me. Isn't that dumb? How food brought me a false sense of happiness? And where I love being a Mom (I am so glad I get to be home with my kids, it's what I want) I have found myself feeling a bit unfulfilled. Like, I not only want to be an awesome Mom but I want to do something more. Like a hobby or passion. That's part of the reason why I started blogging again. I need something else to feel accomplished. Being a Mom is amazing and wonderful but I am wanting something to add to that, I suppose.

This quote seems fitting.

Does any of this make sense? Or do I sound like a crazy person?

I think at times, a Mother can lose herself in doing everything for everyone else and nothing for herself. And this has been something I have really struggled with since becoming a Mother four years ago. And I don't say this as a back-door brag, I am saying that I have allowed myself to suffer while trying to do everything for my family. It's a really hard balance to create and maintain. Setting time aside for yourself is so important but far too often I shirk that and put other's needs before my own. And in doing so, I am hindering my ability to raise my kids the best way possible.

And can we discuss the how toxic comparison and caring about what other people think can be? It's awful and SO pointless. I usually don't have that problem but again, since these changes, I feel so insecure of who I am. It's so silly! I continue to tell myself, "STOP IT, YOU WEIRDO". Hahaha. I've never had this issue before but I feel so emotional and silly!

This post all sounds so dramatic and I don't intend it to be. I've just been going through some stuff like a pre-teen in Jr. High. Oye.

Get it together, de Lisle!

Any who, I hope this journey of change will bring back the confident, secure, Hilary (and healthier and richer!). Because this weird phase is so annoying.

Happy Tuesday!


P.S. Could this be some Postpartum Depression? Anyone with experience, let me know!


Unknown said...

I feel you. We recently moved out of my beloved downtown apt (I seriously would have stayed there forever) and into a crappy cave of an apartment because it was crazy cheap in an attempt to pay off the remainder of our students loans super fast (Yay for being debt free!) and aggressively save for a downpayment on a home and ever since then I have been eating my feelings. Haha but seriously. So yeah, worth it to move here financially but I hate this apt and it's hard because we were still able to save money in our downtown apt so sometimes I let myself think it's not worth it... But yeah, it is worth it. So anyway, I realized I needed to course correct or I'd be morbidly obese. We started Whole30 and are on day 19 and I love it! It's so much work preparing the food but totally worth it. I am overcoming my desire to eat my feelings. I recommend it! And I totally understand that desire to develop yourself-- I took a pottery class about a little over a year ago that fulfilled that same desire and I'm currently looking for something new that works with having two babies. I love being a mom but I do believe I can be a better mom if I take time to develop myself. And I definitely struggled with PPD after having Elliott for the first month or so. It's rough. My recommendation is to talk to your dr even if you think it's a possibility. But you're awesome! Good for you for working on improving yourself! It's hard. :) --Alysha

Anonymous said...

Recognizing IS the first step toward improvement. I even think it is the first "R" in the several steps to repentance. Someone once said (and it wasn't the Lord but more likely someone less inspiring like Mae West or Dolly Parton), "It won't be easy, but it will be worth it." Whoever said it, it is true! A smart step in making changes is not trying to do it ourselves - invite spouse, kids, family, friends, and OF COURSE, the Lord to help. Then the great thing about making positive changes is that we are not alone.
PS: Love, dad, again.